I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here

“To a superior race of being the pretensions of mankind to extraordinary sanctity and virtue must seem… ridiculous.”
-William Hazlitt

Here are just a few things I will miss (not) about Provo. That is, when the blessed day that I extricate myself finally arrives…

1) V-necks and skinny jeans. On grown-ass men. How do they… nevermind. I don’t even want to think about how they accommodate themselves into the geometry of the skinny jean. And enough with the man-cleave. Your poor dads.
2) Guys who don’t know their shit’s weak. Basically, almost every guy being “That” guy.
3) Sword and Quill club at BYU.
4) Snow
5) Snow
6) Snow
7) No legit Mexican restaurants, except for La Casita. But that’s in Springville, so… Noted.
8) Girls who wear Nikes with every every every outfit. I.e.: BYU Sweatshirt, BYU sweatpants, Nikes; floral 90’s blouse, jeans, Nikes; Lacy bottom-trimmed camisole, White V-Neck T-Shirt, jean skirt, Nikes. Gruesome.
9) The filth that is commonly referred to as Fry Sauce. AKA pink mayo. Can we not?
10) No Dunkin’ Donuts! WTF.
11) The tweaker girls that work at Crest on 9th (I will however, miss the Crest gas stations themselves. Gems.)
12) Utah drivers. And this is from me, who took three tries to get licensed in the great state of CA.
13) P.P.D. aka Provo Police. Really? You take your job THAT seriously?
14) The weirdo rapist creepy As that talk to themselves riding the 832 and only have four teeth.
15) “Could care less”
16) Hipsters* (*see #1 and #28 for more information)
17) Being afraid to visit the Sev because of being mobbed by All-Stars. FYI: You’re 39. You mayyyy want to think about making some life choices. (Related: #24)
18) The unbelievably relentless toolishness of University Towing- who is solely responsible for my fear of parking anywhere in the U.S. that is not my driveway.
19) Snow
20) The sheer audacity of Utah breds referring to Utah lake as “The Beach.” For real?
21) No beach.

22) Utah Dating on Demand. Classic.

23) Shandies. You know who you are.

24) The most prolific trend/epidemic being douche-baggery- any and all forms. (Related: #28)

25) Snow

26) Having to break for DEER. Go. Back. To the mountain. Before I have my brother shoot your face.

27) The unparalleled ineptness of the natives- which can probably be attributed to delayed aftermath of polygamy. Mabes. Haha. I’m sorry, so because you “don’t work in produce”, does that mean that you are physically unable or forbidden to retrieve me a box from the warehouse, or that you are mentally unable/therefore forbidden to retrieve me a box from the warehouse? Ah. Sorry. Didn’t mean to give you an aneurysm by assuming you knew how to… cerebrate.

28) Oh! The slaughtering of anything and everything sacredly legit. Like, let me see… music for instance. Let me run through the tragical process with you:

-Step 1: “Exhibit A” (i.e. a song, a band, a clothing item, a movie, or, most recently, a restaurant, etc.) reaps “dope” status in California.
-Step 2: Rumor of “Exhibit A” makes it’s way to Utah, sometimes months or even years later.
-Step Threeve: A Mormo gets wind of “Exhibit A” and smothers it.
-Step 4: Said Mormo then proliferates “Exhibit A”‘s exposure by bearing their testimony about it. As everyone knows, once one Mormo gets ahold of something they like, it’s only a matter of time before it’s a Mormon Sensation. Thus leading directly to…
-Step 5: The whole Mormo population smothering and strangling and raping and pillaging and annihilating and pulverizing and stripping the legitimacy out of once sacred “Exhibit A”.
-Step 6: “Exhibit A” has now become and will forever remain… just one of the many, many components of douchebaggery.
And so ends the once sacredly legit status of “Exhibit A”. We will miss you. R.I.P.

29er) Having to drive forty minutes for a semi-satisfying shopping experience. So not ideal.

30) Snow

31) BYU couples. You’re gross.

Thanks P-Town. It’s been real. Peace and Love.

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7 thoughts on “I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here

  1. You are vain. I'm guessing your trying to be funny and show how observant you can be, but if you hated where you've been living all these terrible years maybe you should do something about it. I really believe the reason there are so many bad drivers in Provo is because there is a spiked percentage of girls from southern California that failed the driving test twice. I have no idea how I came across your blog, Maybe you should put the Hazlitt on the backburner andstick with something a little more basic, Dr. Suess perhaps

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  2. Pretty good list, but I take exception to “songs” as it relates to #28. In my experience, California radio is far more inferior to the stations Utah has, and “cool” songs are played sooner and with much more frequency on Utah stations (such as X96). California stations are record company automatons.

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