Love Letters

“The sudden bound from mournful resignation to infinite felicity seemed to upset me. Even now I am still beside myself and sometimes I tremble lest I should suddenly awaken from this dream divine.”
-Victor Hugo, in a “love letter” to his wife Adele


 Dear Kidneys,
Sorry about the 3 pound bag of Sweettart jellybeans I ate today.
Love, B
Dear All The Clothes I Hand-Washed Today,
You are annoying.
Love, B
Dear Jackson F. Brown,
You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So far.
Love, B
Dear Lavendar,
I wish the whole world smelled like you.
Love, B
Dear Taco Bell Drive-Thru Man Whom Gave Me a Free Pepsi Today,
Thank you!
Love, B
Dear June,
I can’t wait see you again. I will basque in you.
Love, B
Dear Clean Sheets,
You may possibly be my highest ideal of earthly bliss.
Love, B
Dear Sleeping In- My Long-Lost Friend,
We will reunite someday.
Love, B
Dear Chewable Vitamin-C Tablets,
The jig is up. I know you’re candy in disguise. And I’m not mad.
Love, B
Dear Elvis,
Oh just… Everything. 
Love, B
Dear Beloved Cameo Collection,
Just thinking of you makes me serenely happy.
Love, B
Dear Webster’s Pocket Dictionary,
You are my favorite nerdy pleasure.
Love, B
Dear Pachelbel Canon in D,
You never stop giving. My soul is ardently enamored with you.
Love, B
Dear Ginger Ale,
I think I’m the only human under the age of 67 that drinks you. But I’ll drink you ’til I’m 67 at least. 
Love, B
Dear Singing In The Shower,
You make me supremely happy.
Love, B
Dear Always Sunny In Philadelphia,
You are completely inappropriate. But I love you just the same.
Love, B
Dear Tiramasu,
Thank you for all that you are.
Love, B
Dear Getting Waxed,
You’re so worth the agony.
Love, B
Dear Brothers On Missions,
Sometimes I miss you all the time.
Love, B
Dear Little Sisters,
Stop growing.
Love, B
Dear Popsicles (Dad),
I owe you: about four sets of tires, a totaled Range Rover, some car payments, among other things. You will probably never get them from me. But I love you more than Webster’s or I can express.
Love, B
Dear Mama,
I want to be you in most every way.
Love, B
Dear Scoliosis,
Go away.
Love, B
Dear Cheeseburgers,
I could eat one of you every. single. day.
Love, B
Dear Downloading Music Until The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning,
I may need to leave you for awhile and seek out some sort of 12-step program.
Love, B
Dear People Who Say “I Could Care Less”,
I hate you.
Love, B
Dear Les Miserables,
I think you were written just for me.
Love, B
Dear The Age of Innocence,
You are tragically beautiful. Just like Elpheba.
Love, B
Dear Pile Of Laundry I Have To Fold,
See you on my floor in a big pile tomorrow! Take care.
Love, B
Dear Organic Skim Milk,
I know you’re a scam. But I can’t stop!
Love, B
Dear Washing My Hair Every Day,
R.I.P.
Love, B
Dear Cary Grant,
You are intoxicating.
Love, B
Dear Hello Kitty,
I still kind of adore you and get a little thrill when I see you on stuff, like the Band-Aids I bought at Target last week.
Love, B
Dear March Madness,
I don’t get it.
Love, B
Dear Antique Stores,
How does one live life without you?
Love, B
Dear The Kardashians,
Be nicer to Scott. He’s kinda funny.
Love, B
Dear Bompa (My three-year old moniker for “Grandpa”),
My heart belongs to you.
Love, B
Dear Carla Bruni,
I loved you even more when I found out you had an affair with Mick Jagger. Please tell me there is a love child out there somewhere… And where I can buy their album…
Love, B
Dear French,
I want to learn you soon.
Love, B
Dear Hearing and Sight, 
Please never, never leave me.
Love, B
Dear Anne Shirley,
I want to be you. Minus the red hair of course.
Love, B
Dear Swimming Laps,
Let’s be friends again.
Love, B
Dear Now ‘N’ Laters,
I thought I’d be over you by now. It seems I’m not. 
Love, B
Dear Making Lists,
Please explain why crossing things off of you gives me such sick thrills? So much so that I write mindless things like, “Brush teeth” on you just so I can cross it off? I don’t understand.
Love, B
Dear Book About Jack The Ripper That I’m Reading,
You are a creep. And I am a creep for reading you in the first place.
Love, B
Dear The Word Diabolical,
I kind of love you.
Love, B
Dear Making Paper Chains To Count Down To Stuff,
I don’t think you’re juvenile. I appreciate everything you stand for.
Love, B
Dear The Phrase “Son of a B#*%$”,
You very well may be my go-to.
Love, B
Dear Scarlett O’ Hara,
So much of me wishes I could be you.
Love, B
Dear Kona Mochas at See’s Candies,
Marry me.
Love, B
Peace and Love.
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7 thoughts on “Love Letters

  1. dear connie and lewis,

    i still hate you.

    love, t & b

    dear jon bellows,

    you are scum.

    hot scum.

    love, t & b

    dear doop,

    your mother is a dinosaur. and your hair is like the king of hearts. did you know that?

    love, t & b

    dear doop,

    i forgot to tell you to take off that black fly's jacket. well, actually leave it on. it's already ruined now and to be quite honest, it's the funniest thing i've ever seen.

    love, t & b

    dear doop,

    me and b are going to go ahead and take the bed on the right. you can take the one on the left.

    love, t & b

    dear ataris and lagwagon,

    member when we partied?

    love, t & b

    dear jason,

    why did you run from us in santa monica? was it because you didn't want us to see you without your eyeliner on? it wouldn't have mattered… really.

    love, t & b

    dear eka,

    did you get that at tilly's?

    love, t & b

    dear kev,

    member when you were frankenstein?

    love, t & b

    dear people at leo carillo around bunnies,

    SHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh be quiet.

    love, t & b

    dear showoff,

    i get so lonely, i get so lonely.
    i feel like i could die.

    love, t & b

    dear eminem,

    you could have had us.
    you lost out.

    love, t & b

    dear doop,

    sorry for turning you into who you are today. it's all our fault and we know we will be held accountable. please forgive us.

    love, t & b

    dear jiminy,

    what'd you get for christmas?

    love, b

    dear b,

    i love you.
    i miss you.
    still my bfffffff.

    love, t

    Like

  2. dear t,

    see if i ever ask you out.

    love, b

    dear triangle tooth,

    cool concentrating swallow.

    love, b

    dear t,

    do you have any quarters? i need to take a shower.

    love, b

    dear t,

    do you have any bruise-colored markers? i need to impress someone.

    love, b

    dear t,

    i can't see for crap.

    love, b

    dear t,

    he's got a lot of fans.

    love, b

    dear t,

    i hope you didn't want that to use that make-up again b/c i just dropped it in the toilet.

    love, b

    dear t,

    what the &^%$ are romos?

    love, b

    dear jb,

    thanks for the romos.

    love, t & b

    dear doop,

    i still can't remember your real name.

    love, b

    dear mark, ken, tom,

    woo!

    love, t & b

    dear doop dop deep dop doop dop deep da dop,

    i saw you there for the first time. i can't ignore how i felt, i. lost all my sense.

    love, huntington cd

    dear 16,

    143. 143. 143.

    love, 19

    Like

  3. Haha oh how I enjoyed reading this so much mostly because I agree with just about all those love letters. Also can I add I have never met anyone else who calls their dad popsicle as well, which makes me love ya that much more

    Like

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